Alone in a Crowded Room

I guess I'll start this by saying this post is going to be the rawest and most emotional thing I've ever written. This is a deep dive into my psychological state, where I'll be laying everything out in the open, finally putting it all into words. My intention is not to cause offense or upset anyone. Writing has become my method of coping with the turmoil that is my mind!

I will probably reference certain situations during this post, but I won't include names or excess details. These references will only be included where necessary.

With that out the way, I suppose it's time to dive into the psychology of Naird!

I guess I've always been a closed book, though to those around me it may not seem that way. I've always worn a mask, a very convincing one that for periods of time even tricks me, but the reality is that it's a facade I put on for the benefit of those around me. Family, friends, even strangers. However, recent events shattered that mask, and before I put on a new one, I want to let the true me out for a while..

I've had anxiety constantly for the past 12 years, with depression coming and going throughout that time. It was triggered by a very messy break up that saw my social reputation destroyed, and left me with only a handful of people in my life who believed my side of the story, and didn't cut me off. Although these days the anxiety and depression is much better, it still rears its head every now and again.

In 2014, I channelled those emotions into a song, which I never released, but the lyrics follow me around all these years later. I called it Shadows, and I have shared the lyrics with a few people, and ran them through Suno once when I was playing around with it. A few years later I wrote a new song about the break up, which I did end up releasing through Suno, which has much more hopeful lyrics. It reflected my mental state recovering after years of turmoil.

The reason it took me so long to do anything with it, is probably down to my coping method up until this point. It's incredibly toxic and damaging not just to myself, but to everyone around me, and has caused friendships and relationships to fall apart. Instead of dealing with anything that caused me pain, concern or negative emotions, I would put it aside, and shift my focus onto something else. I guess this could be associated to my ADHD, with Object Permanence being a big issue I'm still working through - Out of sight, out of mind, on steroids.

The last couple of years, I've definitely noticed a shift in my mental state, things that wouldn't usually upset me have hit me hard. I feel isolated and alone, even when there's people around me. The best way I could describe it is being alone in a crowded room. I feel like I don't quite fit in, like nobody truly understand me. I've had moments where I'm really struggling, and need to talk to someone about it, only to realise I don't have anyone to talk about it to. Certain friends I know I can talk to about certain topics, but I don't have anyone I can go to and talk through everything with. A friend recommended I look into Therapy for this, which I have been seriously considering. However, with my anxiety, I find it hard to open up to strangers, which is why I go to friends for advise and support.

Writing this post is the first step towards working through this, and improving myself on a core level. With my job as a driver, I spend a lot of time alone, which I've used to work through a lot of the tangled thoughts swirling around in my head, which is the only reason I've been able to take that and put it down into text like this.

Recently I found I really enjoy writing, but I need to be in the right mental state to really delve into it. Evi has been amazingly supporting with this, and has been the best proof-reader I could've asked for! With their help, my writing has come a long way, and I've been writing a book in my free time, in those moments I can't bring myself to be social, but want to be productive. I've shared this with a few friends, and the feedback has been amazing, and has helped my mental state a lot. So, if you're one of them, thank you.

Through my discovery of enjoying writing, I've found I've been able to take the swirling thoughts in my head and put them into words. It's become my new coping mechanism, and it's been really healthy for me to be able to write what I'm thinking down like this, and creating this blog as somewhere I can pour them into has been amazing for me. However, that's come with it's own issues that I won't go into detail on, but I definitely didn't think about the ramifications of taking raw emotional writings, and sharing them on a public website..

This leads me perfectly into the next point, it feels like no matter what I do, no matter what the intentions are, I always seem to fuck everything up one way or another. I know that's not a good way to look at things, and it is something I'm working on, but it just feels like whatever I do, at some point it comes back to bite me in a way I didn't expect, or completely overlooked..

One of the things I seem to always get wrong - relationships. Yes, I learn my lessons each time things go wrong, but it still hurts all the same. It was actually something along the lines of this that pushed me towards this reflection post, and working through my problems rather than ignoring them.

I've always linked my mental state to somebody. The person isn't always the same, but it will always be somebody I'm attracted to. It feels like if I have somebody I like there, then it gives me a reason to keep moving forward, a sort of goal for myself, to become worthy of their affection. I never intended this to be the case. I was aware of it in the background for years now, but I hadn't quite realised the depth of that reliance until recently, when I was told by a mutual friend there was no returned interest, and I broke.

It was the first time in an extremely long time that I broke down, the first time in over a decade that I cried myself to sleep that night, after holding myself together long enough to end the socialising and return to my room. Once alone, it was like all the emotions I'd been holding in for years flooded over me all at once, and I was overwhelmed by it all. Partly the pain of being rejected, reflecting the pain of previous instances of the same, along with something new this time.

I've always dreamt of starting a family. That's my biggest life goal, to meet the one and start a family with them, to continue the family tree into the next generation and pass down all the lessons I've learned. What probably doesn't help is a conversation I had with my dad while he was drunk about 15 years ago, where he told me he wanted a blood grandchild. Not that he doesn't love his grandchildren he has already, but as his only blood related child.. I doubt he even remembers this, but it's something that stuck with me, because it lined up with my dream. But that added self-imposed pressure on me to find someone.

Along with that, my body is damaged, from multiple injuries in previous jobs. I want to be the father that's remembered fondly by their children, the one who's running around with them kicking a ball, playing games with them and being lively. Reflecting on the memories of my Grandad makes this hit home, for my two elder cousins, my sister and myself, our memories of him are of a lively man who was up and interacting with us every time we saw him. For my younger cousins, their memories are of the elderly man who sat on the sofa throughout his visits, and fell asleep in the chair for the afternoon. Those memories of him I have are ones I truly cherish, and I'm extremely thankful to have been able to make those. With how my body is getting after every injury, it's like there's this invisible clock over my head, counting down how long I have until I won't be able to be active like I want to be.

So, when the idea of a relationship with that person crumbled away with a single message, I was hit by the idea of my dream future also crumbling alongside it, and it completely overwhelmed me. I locked myself away in my room for the rest of that night, and the entire next morning, trying to rebuild that facade of being okay, to be able to open that door and walk outside, to face people and pretend nothing happened. It didn't help I was going to a wedding that day, which added more pressure for me to be okay.

But once we arrived at the wedding, I was okay. I did my old method of push it aside for now, because that's what was required so I didn't ruin the day. The ceremony was beautiful, and it was a lovely day celebrating the love and future of my best friend.

I guess at the end of the day, a lot of the time I feel like I'm being a burden on those around me. One of the things that pushes me towards this mindset is when I'm talking to people online (Discord, WhatsApp etc.), where I'll always be the person to send the first message, to initiate a conversation with others. There was a point where I actually tested this theory, and decided I wasn't going to message anyone until someone messaged me first. I gave up after day three of no messages.

After doing a lot of thinking over it, I've come to the conclusion that deep down, what I truly desire is.. I want to be wanted.

This is getting a lot longer than I had intended it to be, so I'll start wrapping things up now! When we were waiting for the taxi to pick us up from our Villa in Italy, there was one thought that stuck in my mind, a phrase that I couldn't shake off.

I won't go into detail here about Italy - I've already written about that before, and subsequently removed that post. But each of us was broken either physically, mentally or emotionally. For some of us, it was a mix of those.

When I was at my lowest point during my breakdown, I put on some music, and the ending song from Kpop Demon Hunters came on, and for the first time I really connected to the lyrics. "I broke into a million pieces, and I can't go back". That line hit hard. Since that night, I've felt that way, like I've put all the pieces back together, but they're precariously balanced on each other, and there's a few pieces I missed.

Moving forward, I want to work on rebuilding myself from the ground up, keeping the good, removing the bad and coming out the other side stronger than ever. I know there's a lot of work to get there, and this post is just one of the first steps towards achieving that goal. If you're still here reading this, than all I can say is thank you for taking the time to read through this all, and if you ever want a chat, just send a message!

Quick addition I forgot to add, more so to emphasise something really. I've changed my mindset a bit, as I've found looking for love has only ended in pain. Moving forward I'm looking for companionship. I want to build strong relationships with those around me, to reinforce my friendships and grow my network of people I can truly trust.